DAFANSU REVIEWS

Willy Wonka

2005-09-07T10:02:00.000+08:00

This is a comparison between Craig David's Whats your Flava video and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Evidence why Craig David is a super genius copy cat...

In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Willy Wonka put secret golden tickets in some of his candy bars, for lucky children to find and get invited to his house for some fun(apparently Michael Jackson got his ideas from this movie too)

In Craig David's Video, Craig David hides 4 golden CDs in his new album, so adolescent girls would buy more of his CDs(instead of downloading and deleting his songs), in a hope to revive his plummeting album sales.

In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Willy Wonka opens his gates and welcomes them into his house, dressed like an idiot.

In Craig David's Video, Craig David opens his gates and welcomes them into his house, dressed like an idiot.

In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Willy Wonka brings all his guests on a tour of his chocolate factory.

In Craig David's Video, Craig David makes the girls sit down and listen to him sing songs from his new album.

In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Willy Wonka takes his guests on a boat ride on a raging river of chocolate.

In Craig David's Video, Craig David ALSO takes the girls on a boat ride.....

Through a tunnel displaying all his music videos.. and if the girls want to ever get in his pants, they had better like what they see...

In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Willy Wonka makes the guests listen to his Oompa Lumpa Whatevera's singing.

In Craig David's Video, Craig David makes the girls listen to him sing.

In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Theres a guy thats more interested in Willy's chocolate river than Willy Wonka's nuts(Thats alotta nuts!)

In Craig David's Video, Theres a girl thats more interested in Craig's moneys than Craig's nuts(and he aint happy)

In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Theres a boy thats more interested in getting on TV than playing with Willy.

In Craig David's Video, Theres a girl thats more interested in getting on TV than playing with Craig.

In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, theres a girl thats more interested in squirrels and nuts than Willy himself.

In Craig David's Video, theres a girl thats more interested in Craig's nuts than Craig himself.

In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Willy picks one child to ride with him in his Computer Graphics Glass Elevator. He then gets a lifetime supply of chocolate.

In Craig David's Video, Craig picks one girl to ride with him in his Computer Graphics Glass Elevator. He then gives her a lifetime supply of free Craig David song downloads from the apple store online.

So, we now have to answer the ultimate question. Who came first? Craig David or Willy Wonka? Choices choices... Its up to you to decide.. But one thing's for sure.. Both of them are queer...

Movie Review : Stealth

2005-07-31T02:01:00.000+08:00

We all have seen the movie trailer many many times...
We all have seen that there was a ring of fire in the sky sometime in the movie...
We all know that a ring of fire in the sky is retarded...
We all expected the movie to be too powerful to comprehend...
We all were not disappointed...

Synopsis:
The movie is about 3 actors acting as pilots, who fly stealth planes generated by nerdy computer graphics designers. They were later joined by a 4th pilot, who turns out to be a computer shaped like a basketball(Keanu Reeves was first drafted to play the role of the 4th pilot, but the Director figured a computer aeroplane would be much cheaper and yet have more acting skills than Keanu).

All the other pilots are jealous of Mr Computer Plane because he had more neon lights than all of their handphones combined(plus he could download songs from the internet and not get caught). Soon Mr Computer gets hit by lightning and goes crazy, killing lots of stuff. But there is a twist to the movie. The ending is so shocking, it would leave you thinking :"Sooooo?? Thennnnn?? Fuck it, Lets go eat prata".

The most dangerous stunts in the movie were performed by the computer programmers themselves, without the assistance of any stuntmen whatsoever. Programming day and night at the risk of wrist and neck pains, the programmers worked hard to create hours of computer generated flight scenes of planes flying here...

Planes flying there...

Planes flying everywhere...

I feel, the only drawback of this movie, is its lack of hot babes, an absolute must in all generic hollywood movies. Of course theres Jessica Biel, but why Jessica Biel when u can have Jessica Alba?

Jessica Biel

Jessica Alba

Jessica Biel

Jessica Alba

Need I say more?
In fact, if Jessica Alba was in this movie, she would be one of the few actress' who had 3 movies consecutively playing in the theatres. 3 is a good number.. 3 is a prime number... The 3 musketeers... The 3 Stooges... The 3 Bilnd Mice... The 3 idiots who starred in "Stealth"...

Of course, I cannot forget the highlight of this movie,
THE RING OF MOTHERFUCKING FIRE...

Woosh!!!!

In the sky!!!!

Now that... is Hollywood...

If you only need one reason to watch Stealth, this is it.
But remember, only watch it at Empress, or you'll have $2.50 more reason to beat yourself about...

DAFANSU gives this movie 4 out of 5 Potatoes...

Movie Review: Sin City VS Fantastic Four

2005-07-22T01:15:00.000+08:00

Two movie reviews in 5 lines. Damn, i'm good.

1)In Sin City, Jessica Alba is hot.

2)And she's a stripper.
3)In Fantastic Four she's not.

4)And she's invisible.
5)Nuff said.

Album Review - Crazy Frog : Crazy Hits

2005-07-21T21:42:00.000+08:00

Axel F, Crazy Frog's flagship song has taken the UK Charts by storm, beating less deserving artists like Coldplay to the number 1 spot on the chart for many weeks(not counting).

Taking other artist's songs and adding random irritating sounds like "ding ding" and "bhem bhem", he has created a whole new soundtrack exactly like the older one, just much more painful.

A once boring but catchy song, Axel F was originally the theme song for Beverly Hills Cop The Movie, which aired many decades ago. The song was a hit by itself, but for some reason, it had no soul. It had no lyrics. The Crazy Frog solved that by adding some sentimental, yet powerful lyrics to it.

The new Axel F, done by Crazy Frog, goes like this..
Lyrics :
A ring a ding a ding ding ding bumm baba
Wat wat wattts goin on on
Ding ding
I am the crazy frog
Ding ding
Bhem bhem ring ding ding ding ding
Ring ring bim ding ding ding

I used to love Axel F when I was young(I actually bought the CD to test out my new Stereo System years ago... So naturally, this Crazy Frog version just blew me away.

The entire album, which consists of 16 songs(including the intro), are also remixes of older techno songs with "ding ding"s and "ring ring"s added in. Its a good buy... Go get it...

If for some sick reason, you decide that The Crazy Frog is THE hottest thing of the century and you absolutely(against all hopes of sanity) HAVE to create a shrine dedicated to the Crazy Frog, dont worry... There are tonnes of Crazy Frog memorabilia avalable on Ebay for whatever fools who would soon be parted from their moneys.

Be warned, that playing Crazy Frog's album in your car while driving may result in your car driving offroad and in to some interesting topographical feature.

Dafansu gives this album 5 non-chinese speaking potatoes

Movie Review: WET DREAMS 2

2005-07-09T02:59:00.000+08:00

Before i begin, i have to admit that this movie has left an impression on me in ways i have long forgotton existed. The last film i remember seeing that blew me away in such massive proportions would have to be the first Steven Seagal movie i saw, though i would be apt to put that down as inexperience as much as it was the power of the movie itself. (Not to take credit away where credit is due, Steven Seagal was and still very much is a great character actor, though he still has yet to be bestowed the critical acclaim he so exceedingly deserves) So, forgive me if I sound a tad biased.

Of the few Korean shows that i have had the pleasure, or displeasure, of viewing over the years, WET DREAMS 2 certainly started out the most promising. With a title ripped straight from annals of porn films past and yet to come, and nubile young actresses acting as underaged girls, how hard would it be for a show like this to be hailed an instant classic? And right from the onset, the viewer is not left dissapointed, immediately being drawn in to the world of WET DREAMS 2 and led along as the plot swerves left and right, much like a good film should, before being flung head first into the climatic finale. Far from the big name, big budget trash that clutters the cinema halls, WET DREAMS 2 is one of those rare films that everyone has heard of, but few have ever seen. One where all the elements of a good story fall seemlessly into place. One where the personality of the characters are not overshadowed by those of the actors/actresses, as many a movie has fallen prey to. One where the cinematography is near flawless, and the accompanying soundtrack serves not to distract the viewer but to accentuate the mood. I could go on forever, but you get the point.

Alas, a modern day gem as it is, i do have one criticism on my part. At a mere 90+ minutes, the inadequate length of WET DREAMS 2 is disappointing, especially with all the potential flowing through. I dare not imagine what kind of magic could have been conjured had WET DREAMS 2 been a full 2 and a half hours or even 3. Yet, what an insignificant complaint this is when seen in the light of the wonder that the creators of WET DREAMS 2 have bestowed upon us.

Two words can be best used to describe WET DREAMS 2, two words that have flowed through my mind ever since I experienced WET DREAMS 2: "whoa shit".
Goes well with alcohol.

Movie Review : Initial D

2005-06-26T00:30:00.000+08:00

Background Info:
Jay Chow, like all other singers who's acting is as bad as their singing, decides to make his first ever movie. With his huge fanbase of adolescent girls, theres bound to be someone who would actually watch it, no matter how shitty a job he does.

Synopsis:
Tofu seller's son, Jay Chow(I can't remember his on-screen name) is damn good at racing. Many professional racers challenge him and end up losing, as Jay is the star of the show and they are not.
In the end, Jay finds out that his girl is a whore and sulks about it.

Like most other Singer-Turned-Actors, Jay does a damn good job at conveying his emotions onscreen.

Here are some examples...

Jay in his car, deep in thought

Jay still in his car, deep in thought

Jay somewhere else, deep in thought

Jay choking on pau, deep in thought

Another character worth mentioning is Anne Suzuki, who plays Jay's bitch in the movie. She is the closest(and only) thing that comes close to a "babe" in the movie. To show you just how hot she is, heres a Voyeuristic shot of her from behind the cinema seat.

Now, some of you may think that Jay's acting skills are abit sub-standard(you are not alone). But they are not. They are in fact, comparable to 2 of the industry's leading actors, Steven Seagal and Jet Li. In the following comparison, you can see all 3 of them using the same facial expressions for

Angry...

Suspicious...

and Happy...

This means that Jay has got it right on his first movie.. Nice work Jay!

MPAA Rating:
R-30(Only 30years old and above) - Reckless driving is something the government does not condone, they don't want the impressionable younglings drifting(or at least trying to) around every corner.(besides, insurance is cheaper after 30 years of age)

Genre:
Comedy

Appeals to:
Young Adolescent Schoolgirls and gays who like emotionless men.

Rating:
DAFANSUREVIEWS refuses to rate this show, as we are incredibly biased against Singers-Turned-Actors-And-Sucking-At-It.
But we believe a picture says more than words ever will...

The Masturbating Monkey in the car(proton), after watching Initial D.

Movie Review: War of the Worlds

2005-06-14T01:53:00.000+08:00

Well, I havn't actually watched the movie yet, but I've seen the trailer, and i think i read the book or the comic a long time ago, and since this is standard hollywood fare i'm pretty sure my review won't be that far off.

Synopsis
Tom Cruise is happily enjoying his life, aliens attack, death and carnage all around, aliens appear invincible, Mr Cruise protects his children, someone finds a weakness in the aliens, big showdown, aliens all destroyed, remaining survivors emerge from their hiding places and survey the damage.

Review
Good Points
1) Based on an actual book, and quite a famous one at that
2) Aliens

Bad Points
1) Hollywood
2) Tom Cruise
3) Steven Speilberg

In short, this movie is like every other hollywood sci-fi movie (think Independence Day or a serious version of Mars Attack). Big scary aliens, lots of death and destruction, tons of action, faux techno babble and big name hollywood stars to bring in the crowds.

Rating
dafansureview.blogspot.com gives "War of the Worlds"

2 out of 5 Potatoes

Movie Review: A Lot Like Love

2005-06-12T00:01:00.000+08:00

Synopsis
Some guy meets some girl, has sex, meets again alot of times, fall in love, has more sex or something i suppose.

Review
To give a more accurate review of this movie, i shall start with giving the movie 50 points, and adding or subtracting points along the way, with 100 being the best and 0 being the worst.

1530: Only movie to watch is "A Lot Like Love" -1

1535: Realise its an Ashton Kutcher movie. -10

1545: Pay 10rm for tickets +5

1725: Movie starts. We are still queuing for drinks. I get to watch the trailer of a movie made by the people behind spy kids. +2

1730: We enter the cinema. Movie chick is not hot. -5

1732: I realise the movie sucks. -50

1735: Main characters have sex in the airplane toilet. +5

1745: Movie still not over. -5

1800: I decide to listen to my discman. New soundtrack provided by Interpol. +50

1800 and 5 secs: People in front stare at me. I turn down the volume of my discman. -25

1815: Movie is too loud, can't hear my discman. -10

1830: I decide to go to sleep. +1 kabazillion

1900: I wake up. Movie is still not over. -2 kabazillion

1905: Chicken assures me the movie is ending soon. +5

1906: Movie is still not over. -10

1930: Movie ends. +1 kabazillion

Overall score: 1/100

This is stupid

2005-06-07T15:03:00.000+08:00

This is stupid. I will do a review on the garden state but I have not watched it yet. I think I will just copyt the synopsis from somewhere. Is that legal? What are the limitations? Are you gay? I am coming back on the 28th July... I want ma bitches...

Movie Review : Jet Li's "Unleashed"

2005-06-06T21:10:00.000+08:00

Background Info
Jet Li, Asian Kung Fu superstar, disraught at how slow his carrear in Hollywood is progressing, decides to branch out into a field which most actors usually get into sometime in their lives, "Actual Acting".

Synopsis
As an angry chinese man(AKA Danny The Dog), he gets burly caucassian guys to queue up, before proceeding to beat them up one by one in a fight to the death(or until the Caucassian guy falls out of camera, whichever comes first). He soon gets taken in to a family threatened by random caucassian guys, which Jet Li then proceeds to beat up. The show ends with him realizing that beating people up is not everything in a movie, and that pianos are cool.

Unlike conventional Jet Li movies up till now, "Unleashed" features more Jet Li dialogues than any other movie before, thus showcasing his versatile acting skills. Complicated lines include "Yes", "No", "I dont remember", "I don't want to kill anymore", "kiss" and "love".

As a prefessional(self-claimed) actor, he is able to convey his feelings using various facial expressions. He has access to various expressions, including

"Angry"

"Getting Angry"

"Getting Very Angry"

and "Very Angry"

MPAA Rating
NC-16 - for sequences of violence, intense action,sexual content(Jet Li talks about "Kisses", now thats something you wont want your kids to hear) and sub-standard acting skills.

Genre(s)
Comedy(if you're in to that sort of thing)

Rating
dafansureview.blogspot.com gives "Unleashed"

4 out of 5 Potatoes
Its a MUST WATCH!
But only if its at Empress, the choice of dafansu.blogspot.com.

Welcome to the DAFANSU REVIEW PAGE

2005-06-05T22:33:00.000+08:00

Due to the overwhelming popularity of DAFANSU.BLOGSPOT.COM(DAFAN-WHAT? Never heard of it), the good folks at DAFANSU have started a review page, dedicated to bringing you the most comprehensive and totally useless reviews of anything and everything under the sun/moon/fluorescent lightbulb.
Basically we are just going to watch random Movies at Clementi Empress Movie Theatre(complete with state of the art Mono sound and houseflies for that Digital Cinema Experience) and bitch about them here. Live with it.